I have a pretty significant birthday coming up this month; this year is the year I turn the big 3-0. Considering that my birthday is later on in the year, I’ve had the pleasure of watching most of my friends and family (including my husband) embrace this new decade of life before me. Each time I congratulated another person for entering their 30s, I didn’t give much thought to what kind of significance that might or might not hold for a particular person. To be honest, the thought of turning 30 has never really scared me that much. I was never one of those women that felt compelled to lie about her age or joke that I’m turning “29 for the second time”. Maybe it’s because I’ve accomplished pretty much everything that I wanted to during my 20s – finishing school, getting married, having babies, owning a home, etc. All those big milestones were things I wanted to hit before bowing out of this second decade of my life and I’m proud to say that I did them all. Maybe the only thing that I wasn’t able to do was the whole “3-before-30” (three kids before 30) thing but honestly, I’ll take two kids and be happy with that. Most moms my age are just getting pregnant with their first baby so I still feel ahead of the curve. Add to that the blessing of good Asian genes and I don’t even look like I’m 25, much less almost 30 so I haven’t felt much woe about turning 30.

Until now.

Now that it’s here and in my face and oh-my-gaw-it’s-really-happening-this-month, I do feel this odd sadness and sense of desperation about turning 30. I don’t want to turn 30. Haha, isn’t that so funny? All year, I didn’t even give it any thought like it was no biggie and now that it’s here I’m slightly panicking.

I can’t seem to figure out why though. I think maybe it has something to do with the fact that while I don’t really mind being 30, 31, 32 … the thought of being 38, 39, and what comes after that REALLY freaks me out. Right now, my body has been pretty kind to me despite having two kids and I don’t really feel that much worse for wear … but in 5 or 10 years, will those wrinkles start to show and skin start sagging? Will the baby weight from the next possible pregnancy stick around and not ever go away?

Also, I have this really strange idea that once I’m in my 30s I’d have to be more careful with my fashion and beauty choices. I’ve seen too many middle aged women who just have not aged gracefully because they haven’t allowed their fashion/beauty choices to mature along with them as they grow older. Clothes that are too tight or trendy, makeup that is too gawdy or heavy … I mean, I’m even at the point where I’m questioning whether or not I can even still choose pink colored accessories (wallets and such). Oh, and the dreaded neck skin. Regardless of if you cake on the makeup or use good skincare on your face, if you neglect the neck, your age will TOTALLY show through. And anytime I see an older woman (<– zomg, see? will I now be in that category of older woman???) with a pretty, well-kept face but a wrinkly, saggy neck I just want to gag.

Birthdays have always been really big and important to me. All my life I’ve made it a point to celebrate well and celebrate hard for my birthday. My husband traditionally spoils me the entire week leading up to my birthday. But part of me feels like after this 30th birthday, it would be kind of juvenile to make a big fuss over myself turning another year older. It just doesn’t feel like something to celebrate?? Hahaha, I don’t know.

Is that stupid? I’m sure plenty of women in their 30s would probably huff and puff at this blog post. I’ll probably read back on this next year and laugh at myself. But these are seriously the strange thoughts that have been haunting me this month as I get ready to embrace 30. Can you tell that I’m freaking out just a little bit?