If you have no idea what this post is about or why it’s titled the way it is, maybe go back to my last post and read it carefully (don’t skim 😉).

The week after we returned from our trip to Hawaii, I was very much physically pushing myself beyond what I should have. To start, I was SUPER jet lagged … it must be a side effect of aging because I don’t remember ever being so jet lagged after returning from Hawaii but coming back this time around was ROUGH. On both J & I. I mention this because I want to note that I was physically vulnerable and not at my strongest when I had my panic attack.

Despite being exhausted, I didn’t want to wait for my body to adjust to California time so within a few days of landing back at home, I jumped feet first into my 5am routine. I forced myself awake and went to my workouts like I would have done pre-vacation. I did this on both Monday and Tuesday and to give you an idea of how exhausted I was, on Monday, I fell asleep at around 11am while reading a book aloud to A. This literally never happens to me.

On Tuesday, instead of listening to my body and taking the day off to rest, I pushed myself to do it all over again except this time, I had a massage scheduled first thing in the morning after my workout. I entered my massage service expecting that I’d get a good nap in, some relaxation, etc. The room was a little stuffy when I arrived because their central AC was broken but other than that, nothing else was out of place. This is a business that I frequent at least once, if not twice, a month so I am here fairly often.

I started the massage face-up (which was fine) but about midway through the massage, when I was asked to flip over to be face-down, head in the cradle, I started to feel like I couldn’t breathe. The sensation actually first started as “wow, it feels extra stuffy now that I’m face down.” Then it escalated to … “I feel a little smothered being face down..” until it finally reached the point of full panic and “I can’t breathe, I’m going to die, I need to get out of here.”

I know I just typed out those three sentences back to back but in reality, the thought process as I moved from one to the next was a little slower. I noticed the first sensation of feeling a little stuffy and I tried to ease myself by taking deep, calming breaths. After a few minutes of that NOT helping, I started feeling a little more anxious and the thoughts became “wow, this is really smothering, not relaxing at all, how did I ever enjoy a massage before?!”. I took my head out of the cradle and lay on my cheek with my face open to the room because I thought it might help.

It didn’t, if anything it made the room (oddly) feel smaller and the walls like they were closing in on me. It got to a point where I HAD to say something to the masseuse (which was SO embarrassing but I was feeling desperate). I told her that I was really sorry but I was feeling like I wasn’t getting enough air and I wasn’t sure what to do … what I really wanted to say was “I think I’m about to have a panic attack” but I didn’t want to freak her out and also didn’t want to acknowledge that this is what was happening so I didn’t say that. She thought it was me saying I felt hot so she offered to turn on a fan and direct it to my face. I thought that could be helpful so I agreed but the minute she turned the fan on, it literally took things from a 5/10 to a 8/10. I don’t know how to explain the logic of it (probably because there was none) but even though I knew IN MY BRAIN that I could breathe and there was oxygen in the room, my body felt like it was suffocating under water.

It got bad enough that I had to cut the massage short (I almost wanted to yell PLEASE STOP NOW I NEED TO GET OUT) and I think I sufficiently freaked out every single staff member in that office. They forced me to sit in their lobby and eat crackers and water when all I wanted to do was get OUTSIDE where there was AIR AIR AIR.

Once I got outside, the anxiety subsided but not completely .. like the fresh air was nice but I still felt like I wasn’t getting enough into my lungs. The feeling dissipated slowly during my drive home and by the time I walked back into my house, I was totally drained. I slept something like 14 hours that night and the rest of the week (month?) laid pretty low.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the last episode I had. I had several more throughout the week, including one in the middle of the night while in bed (which is so sad because why am I getting these attacks when I’m in my most favorite places ever – the massage room and my bed!?) but they fortunately didn’t last as long because I’d learned some coping tips after the first one.

Some random thoughts/lessons I want to share:

• The only other time I’ve had a panic attack was when I was having my c-section with E back in 2011. I didn’t realize it was a panic attack at the time and only put the pieces together when I got this one in July. I’d always thought and told people when retelling my birth story that something with the anesthesia during the c-section had messed with my lungs because I felt like I couldn’t breathe and was totally freaking out while they were operating. The nurse had to squeeze my face and tell me to repeat my name over and over because if “if you can talk, you can breathe”. I eventually “fell asleep” repeating my name (or I thought I fell asleep) but looking back at it now, I actually think I fainted because I mean … I never understood how I could have fallen asleep during the birth of my firstborn baby. Doesn’t matter how tired you are, it just doesn’t make sense right? And I “came to” when I heard E crying after she was born.
• I have been under a tremendous amount of stress (and trying my best to hide it so if you didn’t notice… good job, me!) so while my massage itself wasn’t stressful, I feel like my body is always in a low grade state of fight or flight.
• Taking deep breaths is actually the worst thing you can do when having a panic attack – it tends to aggravate it not calm it. WHAT?! I know. So I’ve been walking very closely with an older sister in my church for the last few years. She’s met with me on an almost weekly basis, praying with me, and just being a listening ear as I’ve been navigating said stress (from above). She also happens to be ex-ER nurse with 20 years experience. When I told her about what had happened, she told me that she used to see a lot of panic attack patients in the ER who came in because they thought they were having heart attacks. She explained a lot of the physiological side of a panic attack and so much of what she said made sense to me:
  • Sometimes panic attacks start with a physical sensation, like “I’m hot” or “I’m dizzy” or whatever and those physical sensations can start to spiral and take on a life of their own. This is definitely I think what happened to me.
  • When taking deep breaths, you actually deprive your body of the sensation of breathing back in some of its own carbon dioxide and (she explained the science behind this but I couldn’t explain it to you) your body needs to breathe in a little bit of its own carbon dioxide to register that it’s getting oxygen. That’s why “back in the day” when people had panic attacks, they were told to breathe into a paper bag – because it helps you breathe back in your carbon dioxide. (Apparently they don’t do this anymore but don’t take my word for it.) This is also why deep breaths aren’t helpful with panic attacks.
  • The best thing to do in a physiological sense when you feel like “you can’t breathe” is to take one normal breath on every count of 5. So count, 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – breathe; 1 – 2- 3 – 4 – breathe. The breaths should not be big, deep breaths, but normal ones. She said in your mind it might feel like it’s not enough air at first but it will actually slow your heart rate down and calm yourself. I used this technique for every subsequent panic attack I had and it was effective in stalling the progress of it and helping me calm down.
  • I already figured this but your body doesn’t register if/when it’s actively thinking about something that’s stressful to you or not. I kept telling her that even though life has been hard these last few years, I wasn’t actively thinking about anything stressful in my massage. It was my me-time for relaxation so why would I be stressed!? Also, I always get massages so why this one? She told me there’s no rhyme and reason to them; your body can take over and do this if you’ve been under a lot of stress and you’re prone to get them. Yay.
• I tried really hard to pray through my anxiety when I realized what was happening in the massage room. But to be honest, in the moment (especially with it all being new to me) I had a hard time praying myself out of what seemed like to be a real physical emergency. You know? That’s like praying yourself out of feeling like you absolutely have to go pee or something. At some point, your body takes over? But as I was physically spiraling, there was a part of me that was also really frustrated with myself because I KNEW deep down that I was safe and didn’t understand why I couldn’t just pray the anxiety away. I kept telling myself “You’re FINE. STOP. WE ARE BREATHING. THERE IS AIR.” It didn’t work.
• The same church mentor sent me this podcast episode to listen to after my attack. It was really, really, really good. I disagreed with their advice about taking deep breaths to settle yourself (because see above) but other than that, their wisdom to “think about your thinking” when your anxiety starts to get out of control was SO helpful. This is another tool (along with the counting breathing thing) that I’ve been using a lot and it has been wonderful. Think about your thinking. I don’t mean to be harsh (trust me – if you struggle with anxiety, this entire post is literally me sharing that I am in the same boat) but at the core of our anxieties is an unbelief of some kind. What is it about the promises of God that we are not believing that is at the ROOT of our anxiety? Think about your thinking; think about what your thoughts really say about what’s in your heart and what you value. Practicing this has been crucial in uncovering some idols and unbelief that I genuinely didn’t realize was there. (Ouch!)

So…. that’s that. The 411. The full details of what happened in July. I don’t know that I’ll write about this again so if you have questions you can leave a comment or email me and I’ll answer if I can 🙂