My sweet, big girl, E starts 2nd grade tomorrow. Writing those words out just now almost took the wind out of me. I can’t believe how big she’s gotten and how fast we got here. Maybe to some, 2nd grade won’t seem like such a big milestone but for me, every new school year carries such significance.

You see, while some may be getting emotional as their babies start school because it means one step closer to adulthood, I get emotional because it means one step away from the innocence of childhood. I try not to think about it (and usually, I’m pretty successful because let’s be honest, summers are CRAZY time and I don’t have much brain power to think about anything) but every new school year, I always find myself wondering … is this the year? Is this the year that she’ll get teased at school for being different? Is this the year that she’ll become self-aware of her own autism? Is this the year that she’ll struggle socially and not have any friends? Is this the year (fill in the blank with your own horrible thoughts about what could go wrong)?

You might think I’m being pessimistic or negative. Maybe I am. But I also am realistic and I know kids and I know how mean they can be. We’ve had wonderful kindergarten and 1st grade experiences … but in so many ways, I feel like those are “baby” grades. Kids don’t really know how to be mean. It may come out in certain kids here and there, but for the most part, at those ages, kids are innocent. But at what age does that shift? At what age and at what grade do certain kids become the popular ones and others become the less desirable? I don’t need E to be the most liked kid in her class, but I want her to have a friend. I don’t want to pick her up from school one day and find that the bright, happy light that’s always shining in her eyes has been dulled because someone made a rude comment and she finally understood that it was about her.

This morning, we got to stop by E’s new 2nd grade classroom and meet her new teacher (who I already love, by the way). While E was soaking in the surroundings and asking questions of her teacher, I took a moment to secretly glance at the names of the kids who would be in the class with her. I saw one name that made my heart drop a little bit. For the sake of this post, I’ll just say the child’s name is Sophia (because that’s my name, that’s NOT the kid’s name FYI). “Sophia” is a popular name and I already know for a fact that there are at least 2, if not more “Sophias” in 2nd grade at E’s school, so there’s no guarantee that this Sophia is the Sophia I’m thinking about … but if it is … I had the chance to interact with this particular Sophia’s mom last year at a Moms’ Night Out for 1st grade parents. And this mom, without realizing that my own daughter was on the autism spectrum, made her feelings towards special needs kids very clear (in a NEGATIVE way, if you haven’t caught my drift yet). It put a sour taste in my mouth and I remember walking away from the conversation in utter disbelief that adults like that actually existed in the world and questioning what kind of values they reinforced in their parenting. I hoped I’d never have to cross paths with her again. I don’t know if this “Sophia” is the same one whose mom I met but if it is … it makes me so nervous and scared for E. Please don’t let this be the year that she’s made fun of or rejected by her peers.

As I tucked E into bed tonight, on the eve of her becoming a big 2nd grader, I prayed aloud over her, asking God to bless this upcoming school year and keep His mighty hand over her. I don’t know what challenges we may or may not face and I don’t know what kind of a year lies ahead for us but He does so I lay all my fears and anxieties at His feet and kissed my big girl goodnight.

Tomorrow, she’s a 2nd grader and she’s so excited.