E loves to come into our bed first thing in the morning and cuddle next to us. Sometimes if I’m still at the gym when she wakes up, I’ll come home to find her quietly snuggled next to her daddy; she’s so small and silent that it takes me a moment before I even notice that she’s squished in there.

I really cherish this quiet time with her in the morning before the hustle & bustle of the day beckons to us. Her little head fits so perfectly in the crook of my elbow and I love burrowing my nose into her sweet head of hair, freshly washed from the night before. She feels so safe there, tucked into the folds of my body; other than being in my womb, sometimes I think it’s the safest place she can be.

I treasure her smallness these days. She’s so little. Yes, she’s a big girl and almost 5 and wow, so much bigger compared to Darren … but in the big picture, she’s little. So little, so innocent, and so much possibility ahead of her. I want to keep her there and protect her from everything that can and will come towards her as she grows up. Right now, the future is sunny and wide open. No doors have been closed off to her. Will that always be the case? I don’t know for sure but probably not. I see her quietly laying next to me in our big king-sized bed and feel such peace knowing that I am still capable of ensuring her happiness. At this age, that’s still something doable for me. I dread the day that she outgrows that power I have.

Someday, she won’t be so little anymore. I won’t go to school to pick her up and see her smiling face running towards me, so full of joy and energy. Maybe she won’t like school or maybe kids will be mean to her. Maybe she’ll understand the differences between her and others and feel frustrated that she can’t make the connections and friends she longs to have. Maybe she’ll be laughed at or left out; excluded in a world where fitting in means everything. Maybe, maybe. And if that maybe happens, I can’t do anything to change it for her. I can only equip her with the skills and resources necessary to navigate all that “fluff”. Maybe as her mother, all I can do is prepare her as best I can and wish her the best of luck as she attempts to fly on her own. As a parent, I think that’s the scariest maybe of all, right?

But for now, she’s still so little. And she still wants to cuddle with her mommy and daddy first thing every morning. And I am going to squeeze every last drop of little out of her that I can get. <3