So here’s the thing about this post and this topic. Over the past 7+ years of being a special needs parent, I’ve had one draft or another of this post in my brain. Sometimes the drafts actually make it halfway typed out, other times the draft just lives in my head indefinitely. Every single time though, when it comes time to actually sit and pen my thoughts in a coherent way … I can’t. I can’t do it. This topic is so loaded and so near and dear to this mama’s heart. It probably impacts me more than it does E herself.

But if you’ve noticed, I’ve been trying really hard to be consistent with blogging and this post – this exact post you’re reading – has been in my calendar for the last month. Incoherent or not, it’s time for me to actually talk about this darn thing.

When E was diagnosed in 2013, I remember one of the first questions I asked the diagnosing psychologist was: “What does this actually mean? People throw around the word autism so much but I don’t actually know what this means for us and our family.” His response was that, among other things, making friends could be difficult for E in the future since social skill deficiencies are one of the hallmarks of autism disorders. At the time, E was only 2 years old. She wasn’t even at the age when acknowledging a fellow toddler at the playground was expected behavior … it was hard to wrap my mind around this little baby one day wanting to make friends, trying to make friends, and somehow having difficulty doing it.

In the time since then, it’s become one of the things I’m most sensitive about with her. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret that only moms in the “special needs parent” club will probably understand – I see everything. What I mean by that is when we’re in a social setting with kids who are close in age to E, I am particularly aware of what is said, who said it, in what tone it was said, and what is happening around her. I’m sure this is true of all parents to a certain extent but for me, it’s almost a mama bear heightened awareness. When E was younger, I’d find myself vacillating between either sitting on my hands, forcing myself not to intervene so that kids could be kids and E could figure out her own footing in social situations, or going full on crazy mom mode, inserting myself into conversations with other 4 year olds and pointing out, “That’s not kind to ignore E, can you include her?” (ZINGGGGG and LOLLLL omg, I kind of cringe when I think back to it.) The heightened awareness probably hurt my own feelings more than what was happening in the moment actually hurt E’s … there have been many times when I’ve picked up on what could have possibly been interpreted as a mocking tone, a purposeful snub, an intentional ignoring, and I’ve let my own emotions be affected by it. Have you ever witnessed your child be passed over by someone? Actively “un-preferred” (is that even a word?), like, I would rather choose to not be with you than be with you? If you haven’t, count yourself lucky – it stings something awful. It’s been a tough lesson in grace for me .. learning to cover the little things with love and believing the best of the kids we interact with. Having D & A and seeing them bloom in their respective friendships has also helped in softening my protective edge around E in this area. I’ve learned that sometimes kids are idiots and that includes my own kids; they say things they don’t mean, they live in the moment, and unless they are a very unique breed, they can sometimes be ignorant of others who are different from them. And that’s ok! God is not done working in them just like He’s not done working in my own kids or done working in ME.

On the other hand, I have also had the immense blessing of having a family or two nearby whose kids are just GIFTED in how they interact with my special needs kid. These are either kids of parents who are very intentional in training/educating their kids on how E is different, or their kids are just naturally created by God to be more intuitive and patient. It’s always been a big prayer request of mine that God bring at least one friend into E’s life who genuinely likes her the way she is. As she gets older, I’d love to know that she has other peers who will stand beside her and protect her when I can’t. In the last year or so, I think I’ve slowly seen God answer this prayer. I can think of one person specifically who goes to school with E who just … likes having E as a friend! She asks to have play dates with her, wants to come over and hang out, wants to do Zoom calls … it’s actually really cool to see!

So at the end of the day, I know that, like with ALL things, God is control of E’s friendships. There have been ups and down for me personally as I’ve had to grow through some of the painful seasons of E’s social development but ultimately, I always find myself remembering that God knows E more intimately than any friend ever could. He is the bestest of best friends. And this post not a neatly wrapped “and then they all lived happily ever after” type of blog post. No no, this is very much still an actively unfolding story; God is still weaving the details of how He will get His glory through all the trials & hurts we’ve faced and will continue to encounter with E’s autism. But as long as I keep my eyes fixated on Him, I know E (and I) will be okay.

Thanks for reading my ramble 😉